Why Am I Not Crying?

My brain has been super distracted this week.

I have this undercurrent storming below with a mellow sunshine glistening on the surface.

I dare say it… do I miss being sad?

Was I supposed to cry on Monday? 13th July marked two sad events. The day I married and the day my aunt suddenly died. I sat at the PC pretending to get on with business but my brain was like a ping pong ball. I kept swinging and swirling on the chair, the usual 12984 browsers and apps open on all possible devices available. My eyes managed to only find relief looking at numbers in the accounts. Something factual, easy to follow and easy to complete. A false sense of productivity that didn’t actually satisfy me. Then I would switch to another spreadsheet and online forms. Two in fact. Let’s do some of the charity admin instead.

I was sad but happy. Happy that I am finally emotionally free (not legally, yet) but sad that I had predicted this outcome literally from day 1, yet I ignored my gut feelings. Did anyone else ever consider divorce as they signed their marriage contract? I know I had to go through with it in the name of family ‘honour’ and it really was my own doing.

My aunt, although not blood related, was the only extended family I experienced on a genuinely caring level. With her death, all the flash backs of each and every crises my family went through flooded back. But not this year.

Then the following day Facebook kindly reminded me of another death anniversary of a cousin. With him, I have childhood memories of my time as a 8 year old in Pakistan. A time when I believed I had an extended family who cared for us. A time of great fun in the sun with my older siblings whose companionship I lost in subsequent years. Yet I couldn’t react.

I feel like the storm needs to surface, but I would rather it didn’t. Bit of an inconvenience really. I am in my new life now, where strangely enough, I don’t feel stuck anymore. What will help process this so that I can focus? Am I insensitive?

I prayed for the departed souls and for my legal freedom. I took stock of my course in life as a result of ignoring my gut. I have to be grateful and at each point say, alhumdulilla, all praises are due to Allah, the Exalted.

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